WASHINGTON (AP) - Authorities have confirmed today that some bad stuff has happened. Specifically, seventeen (17) separate instances of bad stuff have been verified, according to Dr. Fjarlq, President of the National Institute for Monitoring and Confirming Bad Stuff.
The new official tally is greater than the number three (3), which was first reported two days ago, but significantly less than the numbers that various authorities have publicly speculated about, such as thirty-three (33) and fifty-nine (59).
In his press conference on the steps of the Capitol earlier today, Dr. Fjarlq revealed: "We are working around the clock to confirm the bad stuff that is happening, and we can now verify with certainty that in seventeen separate instances, bad stuff has indeed happened."
"However," he continued, "we feel it is important to point out that hysteria and concern about future bad stuff is most likely misplaced. The currently verified bad stuff has not been demonstrated to relate in any way to the bad stuff many are speculating about. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Furthermore, we feel it is important to point out that unverified speculation about bad stuff helps no one, and is quite likely hindering progress on the confirmation of actual bad stuff."
"Our suggestion is that we all adopt the very reasonable assumption that the mounting number of bad things will stop at seventeen (17), or at worst, eighteen (18)."
In a related story, highly placed insiders are now speculating that future bad stuff may cause the total to rise as high as one hundred (100) separate instances of bad stuff.